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Marriage

January 18th, 2009 by Natasha

It all begins with a proposal. Or does it? What with wedding preparations of my own taking shape for summer 2009 at St Peter’s Italian Church in Clerkenwell, I wanted to find out what were the secrets to a long and happy marriage.
And after reading about the Italian man who was granted an annulment from the Roman Catholic Church after only four months of being wed, on the grounds that ‘his interfering mother-in-law made his life hell’ – I wanted to explore the reasons why many marriages hit the rocks.

Child’s play
After speaking to various people including a marriage counsellor I realise that the foundations for our married lives began when we were children.
Bridie Collins, senior marriage counsellor at Catholic organisation Marriage Care told the Catholic Herald: “How we were cared for does have an impact in our relationship with our partners”.
She explained that as children we witness our parent’s marriage and what we learn from their relationship forms part of our inbuilt operating models.

Dedication
My research revealed that in the secular press there were lots of articles on dating and new romances, even dating while married; but not many on maintaining a marriage for life!
Having just finished the ten-week compulsory marriage course at St Peter’s, I remember the story our priest Padre Carmelo told us of a devoted wife who visited her husband each and every day in hospital despite his zombie-like state. He had suffered a mental break-down due to serious business worries and just sits without acknowledging his loved ones anymore. “That’s true love and dedication,” admired Padre Carmelo.

Friends
Bridie gave other characteristics of the successful marriage: “The ability to adapt and change as the relationship alters is vital. For example, the relationship changes from newlyweds to new parents. You have to accept that it cannot always be ‘my way’ and that compromise is involved.”
Bridie added that friendship and remaining friends throughout the relationship is also important. Also the ability to fight fairly, with respect and trust and without bringing up past issues is very helpful.

Vows
Commitment is another crucial element to the budding marriage. “There’s a lovely saying ‘on a good day I’m committed to you; on a not-so-good day I’m committed to the marriage and on a bad day I’m committed to the vows I made to you’,” Bridie revealed.
Regarding vows, in one lesson during the marriage course, Padre Carmelo asked all us couples to think seriously about the marriage vows we plan to say before God; especially the part ‘in sickness and in health, till death do us part’.

In sickness
A few days after this lesson I interviewed a very sweet lady who unfortunately has MS. She spoke of her deep disappointment with her husband who could not cope with her deteriorating disease and fled the family home, bringing their three teenage children with him! She had to return to her parent’s home where her elderly mother and father do things like cut up her meat for her.

Cry
She told me: “I feel so cheated and rejected by my husband. He has made me so cross. At home I tried the best I could to clean and cook but it got too much and we hired home help. During all this time Graham grew more and more impatient with my clumsiness.
“He continued to shout at me in front of the children and who ever happened to be around when I couldn’t do things. Instead of receiving the love and attention I needed during my illness, Graham has made me feel worse. I often cry.”

Temptation
It was during one of the earlier lessons that Padre Carmelo asked us to get into groups and write down all the different reasons couples divorce. And at the top of each team’s list was infidelity. A few weeks later, my fiance’s parents told us about a friend of theirs who telephoned them in floods of tears because she had just discovered pages and pages of intimate conversation her husband of 15 years had been having via MSN on the family computer with a married woman he had called ‘business partner’!

Caught
Reading through the conversation the mother of two realised that her husband had been having an affair with the woman right under her nose in the family shop.
In the same week my mother had news that a lovely couple we know are having to deal with their son’s separation from his wife.

As time goes by
Apparently he didn’t love his wife anymore and went to live with another woman which the family knows only as Samantha. So two young girls under the age of ten have been left wondering ‘where’s daddy gone?’
Bridie added that all relationships go through tough times and when the romantic, starry-eyed, butterflies-in-the-tummy stage turns to reality couples must work things through, if they do not then problems will occur like growing apart or infidelity or resentment.

One, two, three
However by leaving the relationship when things go wrong and later marrying someone else, Bridie added: “statistics show there are more break-ups in second marriages than first marriages”.
This made me think of John Cleese who is going through his third divorce. He was featured in a newspaper recently because he is one of a growing number of men who is having a hair transplant to cover his balding scalp.

Shouting is communicating
It also made me think of the divorced women featured in a recent Opera Winfrey show who were advocating the Divorce Diet; what these examples screamed to me was ‘why didn’t you make these self improvement changes while you were married?’
Bridie explained why marriages go wrong. “The issues vary but usually it’s down to unresolved conflicts or unmet needs; this leads to distance and not feeling close anymore. In fact at Marriage Care we view it as ‘hopeful’ if we see a couple is still at the shouting stage, at least their communicating” said Bridie.

Spise not Spice!
The marriage counsellor added that we all have needs and these include Social, Physical, Intellectual, Spiritual and Emotional (or SPISE). Bridie said: “The problem is when we look to one person to fill all those needs… one person cannot fill them all for us. For example intellectual needs do not have to be met by our partners, a scientist could be married to hairdresser!”
Bridie revealed the five marriage ‘protector factors’ that One to One, a research organisation with whom Marriage Care works closely, has come up with. These are factors that couples should protect for the survival of their marriage; affection, time together, outside support, sharing feelings and couple identification.

Mirror
This reminded me of a colleague who has been married for five years and said: “Our priest who married us said that the external image we portray to society was just as important as what happens within the relationship.”

1950s
I couldn’t help but wonder, perhaps it is time to look back and take notes on an era when marriages were indeed for life. And many believe the 1950s was the ‘peak years’ for British society; when thoughtfulness for others, decency and strong community ties were nurtured in families.

Pearl
Bridie concluded: “By learning more about each other like when the other needs nurturing and resolving conflicts … it’s like the grit in the oyster that forms the pearl.”
So at the end of it all what I discovered was that the secret to a long and successful marriage was simply… not only enjoying the good times but working through the not-so-good and bad times also.

The day you die; I will die the day afterI will leave you with words my friend’s husband once told her; they, a couple like any other the world over, have had their fair share of ups and downs: “The day you die; I will die the day after.”
This made me think of the Mexican white-fronted parrot which forms a life-long bond with their mate, sharing the responsibility of caring for their young ~ like bereft widowed humans, some parrots will die shortly after their partner does.

Posted in Published work, Current features, Observations |

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